7. Self-Centeredness

Since we have had some explanation of the origins and background of the first six patterns and covered many of their commonalities, from this pattern forward, we will only look briefly at origins and background, focusing on those aspects that are specific to the pattern in question.

The formation of the pattern of self-centeredness is a complex process, with all the previously mentioned factors involved. However, the most important one is the personal factor; it plays the key determining role in this process.

First of all, we shouldn’t ignore the fact that everyone is born with unique fundamental personality traits. These traits take part in the process of forming this pattern.

The identification of self is another important player in this process. The identification of self is established as part of biological and psychological development and manifests as knowing the distinction between oneself and others, self-evaluation and self-idealization. In adolescence, with the dramatic biological and psychological changes, the development of self-identity enters a new stage. It can be seen as a ‘mutant’ due to the over-development of self-identity. From there a person is likely to fall into the trap of self-centeredness.

Furthermore, although pride or self-esteem is a basic need of human nature, if we hold to it too tightly and associate everything with it, it can confine life to a limited space. We end up always trying to construct a perfect image of ourselves and at the same time we isolate ourselves more and more. Overly abundant self-regard can also cause one to be reluctant to accept other people’s help.

Self-righteousness is also closely related to the formation of self-centeredness. They are like twins; it’s sometimes hard to tell them apart and they always back each other.

One thing that is noteworthy is that many unhealthy qualities and patterns can also provide fertile ground for the strengthening of the pattern of self-centeredness, for example, lack of trust, lack of a sense of security, stubbornness, being unloving or unkind, lack of a sense of justice and empathy.

This pattern manifests as a strong focus on fulfilling one’s own desires or wishes. A person with this pattern will not only make personal desires his own focus but also expects other people to do the same. It is a one-way expectation as he does not care for other people’s feelings and needs, nor want to make any sacrifice for others. He will come across as ‘selfish’ or ‘self-serving’. Sometimes, knowingly or unknowingly, he may even cause harm to others when taking care of his own needs or interests. The world needs to revolve around him and everything has to go the way he wants. His own needs are valued more than the needs of the group or the collective. He expects the group to take care of his needs but is reluctant to respect others in the group or the interests of the group itself. Nor does he observe the rules every member of the group is expected to observe. He demands other people’s respect but offers little respect in return. He is fully taken with himself and is oblivious to other people’s existence. His faith can be summed up as ‘Everyone exists to serve me; I exist to serve me too.’

In reality, every person is somewhat self-serving and selfish. However, when a person sees only himself and not the rest of the world, the self has started to grow too big. This shows in social interactions as ONLY considering one’s own needs and interests, being concerned solely about one’s own loss and gain, seeing things only from one’s own angle, relying exclusively on one’s own experience to deal with things and expecting others to agree, and being unduly confident and strongly attached to one’s own ideas or opinions.

Specific manifestations or features include:

1) Seldom proactively showing sincere care for others and lack of a real

connection or relationship with others

Because one’s own interest is always the sole focus, friendliness and enthusiasm are shown only when needing others’ help. Otherwise little interest in other people is shown.

2) Stubbornness and self-righteousness

When in the presence of others, he or she will not hesitate to ‘lead’ or influence others according to personal ideas or interests. Even when others disagree or offer better options, she will not budge. It is almost impossible for her to change her mind to accommodate others. It is not easy for her to create a deep and meaningful connection or relationship with others.

3) Too much pride, over-defensiveness, jealousy

One tends to associate everything, small and big, with ‘pride’ or ‘dignity’. There is a strong urge to protect one’s pride and defend one’s dignity. One displays jealousy when others do better, and gloats over other people’s failure or misfortune. Most of the time the person is unwilling to provide information that will be helpful for others to succeed.

Because he relies purely on his own preferences and views to make judgments, he is neither objective nor fair. When his soup is warm, other people’s soup must be warm. If he doesn’t like that movie, nobody should like it. If he thinks his friend should leave her husband, she should agree that this is a good idea.

He has a ‘free and loose’ style with regard to himself. He does things the way he wants and no one can stop him. He has a strong will to follow through until his goal is achieved. When things go wrong, he is forgiving and lenient on himself but harsh on others. He usually blames others or passes the buck.

This pattern has a few ‘advantages’ as follows.

1) Due to this pattern, a person usually dismisses other people’s criticisms or comments and hence does not get affected by them too much. You can say he lives in a relatively stable world created by himself.

2) Due to this pattern, a person usually does not suffer from too much guilt or self-blame, or issues such as lack of self-confidence.

3) Due to this pattern, a person may have a strong will to follow through with undertakings. She may have an unusually fierce fighting spirit, which can be an advantage in today’s society where competition is a major way to survive and thrive.

4) Due to this pattern, a person may be able to focus on himself well and concentrate on what he wants to do. This could give him a better chance to ‘succeed’ in a worldly sense.

We should not lose our self. This means we should maintain self-awareness and a connection with ourselves so that we are clear about who we are, enabling us to steer life in the right direction. This is not the case when operating under the pattern of self-centeredness, when one’s subjective desires or preferences override the objective reality and dictate everything. This pattern causes a person to be unable to hold an objective, fair and balanced view and engage others in a harmonious and supportive manner.

We humans are social beings; under normal circumstances, everyone needs to maintain healthy relationships with others. An important element for a healthy relationship is helping each other and benefiting from one another. If we wish to receive friendliness and good treatment from others, we need to give that to others, too. When only concerned about satisfying one’s own needs and desires and constantly defending one’s own so-called dignity, conflicts with others inevitably arise. Eventually we become shut in our own world and indulge in self-admiration. We miss out on many great opportunities in life, including the opportunities to enjoy good relationships and to learn and grow. The experience of harmony and of creating a healthy, happy and growing life would be unlikely.

This pattern can also lead to problems on other levels of life such as the psychological, personality and mental levels.

When you realize you have the tendency or pattern of self-centeredness, what can you do? You could decide whether you want to change. If you want to change, perhaps you could try different approaches as follows:

1) When you try to work out how to protect your own interests or preferences, perhaps you could try to include other people in your consideration. Replace ‘I’ with ‘we’; replace ‘me’ with ‘us’. Recognize that society is made up of many individuals and we can all thrive together by supporting and helping one another and working together.

2) When you find yourself repeatedly expressing and emphasizing your own feelings, your own viewpoints, your own ideas, your own wishes, your considerations and your decisions, stop for a few moments and see if perhaps you can give other people the opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings and try to listen to them and understand them. This way mutual understanding can be developed, which will be beneficial for creating a win-win situation.

3) Observe other people’s reactions or responses to what you say or do. If they seem unhappy or disgruntled, take a moment and calm yourself. Ask the person how she feels and what she is not happy with. Try to understand why her mood changed. If it is because of something inappropriate you have said or done, apologize and ask for forgiveness. Practise saying ‘I am sorry’. Apologizing does not harm your dignity; on the contrary, honestly accepting your mistakes and apologizing for them will win others’ true respect. This is the real way to preserve one’s dignity.

4) Pay good attention. Listen when other people are expressing their thoughts or feelings. Take listening as a serious matter. When someone is talking, see him as the ‘main character’ and yourself playing a ‘supporting role’. Listen attentively with patience and allow the person to express himself fully. When listening, do not respond, make comment or express your own opinions hastily. Try to remember that the purpose of listening is to understand the other person; rather than letting the other person understand you.

5) When you feel unhappy with something a person has said or done and you have a strong urge to criticize or complain, first take a few moments to calm down. Instead of saying something, think first. Imagine you were in his position doing what he had to do. Think why he might have done that. Were there reasons? In his position, what would you have done?

6) When you feel jealous of someone, take a few moments to calm yourself down. Think. If you have done something worth appreciating or commending, would you rather people appreciate you or be jealous of you? If the former, learn to appreciate other people and be happy for them. Express your appreciation and congratulate them. If you want others to notice and appreciate the good things you have done, you need to pay attention to and discover the positive things about them, and you need to sincerely express to them your heartfelt appreciation. If you wish to receive sincere recognition or approval from others, you need to generously show the same. Recognize that there is plenty of room in this world for everybody to shine. When everybody is lifted to a higher place, everybody can help one another do better. Everybody can thrive when we help each other grow. Beating others through competition is not the only way to win and make oneself visible. Everyone can be a winner in their own way.

7) When you feel your dignity is hurt and you have a strong urge to fight back to defend it with all your might, take a few moments and calm down. Think about what just happened and if it truly has anything to do with dignity. Is it possible that people are just describing what happened or just wanting to discuss and deal with the issue? Is it necessary to take everything personally or as a personal attack? Is it necessary to associate everything with your ‘dignity’? If you uphold dignity so highly, do you treat others in a way that respects and protects their dignity?

8) Do you often feel that it is hard to get other people to support or help you, and that the world is not a friendly place? Do you feel frustrated or even lonely because of this? When you feel this way, calm down and take a moment. Ask yourself whether you have recently taken initiative to show your love and care for the people around you and offered them help. Think about how many people in the world are battered by disasters of all kinds and are struggling and suffering, and how fortunate you are. Think about what you can do to make the world a better place. Perhaps you also want to try an ‘extreme’ measure: Leave yourself out of the picture and only think of the benefit to others. This ‘strong medicine’ might be over-compensating, but could help reach the ultimate goal of ‘you and the world living in harmony for the benefit of all’.

9) Last, but not the least, to change the pattern of self-centeredness, go back to your heart. Make your heart the foundation for your life and the place from which to reach out to the world. Firstly, find your heart. Build a connection with your heart and develop this connection. Get to know yourself by first getting to know your heart. Restore your heart’s ability to feel, feel yourself, other people, nature and everything. It takes the heart to melt away the self-centered consciousness. Cultivation of Five Xin is essential and cannot wait, and all of the five qualities should be included.

The pattern of self-centeredness can bring all kinds of problems to life. It can cast you on a desert island, feeling isolated and lonely. Over-protecting your ‘dignity’ turns your heart into a fragile glass heart that can be broken easily. Furthermore, your heart will not be able to feel and connect in a real way and you will miss out on the opportunity to experience all the positive feelings a human heart can enjoy. The mindset that other people cannot and should not do better than you, and also your jealousy, will always put your heart on a grill, receiving incessant scorching and burning. How can life be truly enjoyable this way? It can all be changed but only you can do it.