9. Stubbornness

The pattern of stubbornness refers to attitudes or behaviours of resisting change. It is a strong determination to hold fast to one’s own opinions, positions or decisions despite good reasons to change them. When we insist on an idea or decision based on good reasons and principles, it is persistence, which is different from stubbornness. Stubbornness is persistence without good reasoning, logic or support. We can say it is a kind of ‘extreme’ persistence.

Other terms that are often associated with stubbornness include ‘single-minded’, ‘rigid’, ‘pig-headed’, ‘bull-headed’, ‘stiff-necked’. From these terms, you get a sense that people who are stubborn refuse to consider other viewpoints or ways of thinking or to be changed by external influences. They refuse to change with changing situations.

The formation of the pattern of stubbornness is a complex process. It has something to do with the development of the human species. For example, in ancient times persistence was important for humans to gather and hunt – so as to have enough reserves for their survival. The instinct to ‘seek benefit (interest) and avoid harm; seek simplicity (easy solution) and avoid complexity (extra work)’ drove them to stick to the choices that gave them the best chance for survival. Furthermore, sticking to the same idea or plan is often a simple and practical solution for a complex situation or problem.

Extreme and bigoted views can be found everywhere in our cultural, social and even educational environment. This kind of information and culture and their manifestations provide ‘material’ and ‘nutrients’ for forming the pattern of stubbornness. However, eventually it is still the personal factor that determines how a person views everything and whether this pattern will be formed.

Examples of stubbornness can be seen everywhere. Usually stubbornness is not a constant state; rather, it manifests through specific things or situations. However, in some cases, stubbornness can be an overall personality trait that manifests extensively through both thought and action.

Why is it that some people seem to be more prone to developing this pattern? One of the many causes is the fundamental life orientation.

We can divide life orientation into two broad categories. One is proactively seeing the future as something positive to pursue; the other is seeing the future as something negative – requiring precautions. The focus of the former is on the good things that might happen in the future while the focus of the latter is preventing bad things from happening. People with the latter orientation are more likely to develop the pattern of stubbornness.

For example, when moving out of our comfort zone and faced with a new situation, we might fear potential danger. One option is to stick to our old ways despite the external changes because we don’t want to disrupt the stability and level of balance we are used to. However, another option is presenting itself – the option to change.

In some cases, people can see the destruction of their views as equal to the destruction of their personal worth. They find it extremely difficult to accept other people’s disagreements or criticisms. Being questioned is painful because they associate it with an attack on their ‘dignity’. They have difficulty separating objective reality from their self-identity. They tend to interpret differing ideas or comments as attempts to attack their faith and values or undermine their personal worth. Sticking to their own ideas or thoughts becomes a way to defend their ‘dignity’ or express their will to protect themselves.

When challenged, do you sometimes think that if you change or give up your ideas or decisions, that it is like admitting you were wrong? That it means you were not smart, which equals ‘not competent’, and ‘not competent’ equals ‘no worth’. If you admit someone else is right, is that like saying he is smarter than you; so he has won and you have lost?

Therefore, when we are challenged or questioned, we can become hyper-alert and over-reactive, as if we are under threat or attack. This will prompt us to stick to our own ideas and be unwilling to consider different ones.

We often think it is our experiences that determine and shape our subjective view of the world. However, our own Shen, consciousness and Xin actually play a very significant role in determining what we perceive as experiences. A person who has a good sense of security and safety often receives friendly and positive treatment from others. This has something to do with what he pays attention to, how he interprets information conveyed by others and what he assumes to be the cause of events.

Family environment also can play a role in the formation of the pattern of stubbornness. For example, research has found that children with two types of family experience are more prone to develop stubbornness. One is spoiled children who are used to getting what they want and therefore find it hard to tolerate disagreement or opposition. The other is children with low self-esteem due to hardship or failure. They tend to doubt their abilities and fear the unknown. They can try to prove their worth by rebelling or refusing to cooperate or change.

The formation of the pattern of stubbornness is complex. One of the main contributing factors is other unhealthy patterns. They contribute to the construction of stubbornness, and stubbornness helps reinforce these other patterns. Therefore, changing this pattern requires work on changing other unhealthy patterns as well.

Stubbornness is a very common quality. It is not difficult to find it even within our closest circle such as family members, friends and associates. When we experience difficulty getting ideas across or changing someone’s mind, we often come to the conclusion that they are too stubborn.

In a way we can say stubbornness is a result of not being able to properly differentiate subjective reality from objective reality. When this way of dealing with reality is applied repeatedly, it can start to become a pattern.

The pattern of stubbornness can manifest in many different ways. Fixed thinking is one of them. It is applying a thought or a view formed previously, to a current situation, even when inappropriate. Stubbornness can also be used as a strategy or means to get what one wants. This behaviour is often selective. For example, when a child finds that his stubbornness in demanding what he wants from his parents works well, he will keep using this strategy.

More often, the manifestation of stubbornness is provoked or defensive, rather than pre-emptive or aggressive. The pattern manifests when a person seeks a self- protective mechanism, even when the change being called for is seen as reasonable. For example, when a person is reluctant to do a task, he will leave it undone or wait till the last minute. When a person holds resentment or a grudge against someone, he may deliberately use stubbornness to show it or to let that person know that he refuses to be controlled.

Stubbornness is often used as a tool or weapon to achieve an end. We all learned early on to use this weapon to get what we want and satisfy our needs. For example, when a young person is eager to get away from the control of parents, or perhaps he is going through a rebellious stage, he may strongly go against his parents’ wish and hold on to his own position stubbornly. It is not necessarily that he does not agree with his parents; rather, holding on to his own position is a way to gain control of his life. This passive stubbornness is sometimes also used in couples, or among friends and work colleagues. The underdog often will adopt stubbornness to express themselves and claim some control. In the case of one party feeling unfairly treated or disrespected and losing power, stubbornness is often used to protest and show power, even if it is clear the other party makes sense.

If a person is excessively stubborn about something and you are having difficulty communicating ideas, perhaps you need to look deeper to see if the person is actually trying to express something else. You should then try to understand the real needs and address them.

Stubbornness does not have any direct correlation with one’s educational background or intelligence. On the contrary, people with more education or who seem ‘smarter’ are often better at collecting evidence and information in favour of their position to prove that they are right. Evidence and information contrary to their position could intentionally or unintentionally be left out. This is another way stubbornness manifests.

In terms of age, the elderly tend to be more prone to stubbornness. This is probably due to the fact they have had a long time to form their views on what works and what doesn’t through a variety of life experiences and from trial and error. Their opinions and views have been working for them for some time and have gradually become set. They feel very safe and comfortable in their set ways so they are reluctant to change. Furthermore, the elderly are not as good as young people at keeping up with all the trends and changes, so they don’t adapt as easily. To other people, the elderly can appear to be stubborn.

The following list can be used to help you see if you have a tendency toward stubbornness.

1) When faced with different ideas or suggestions, do you often feel it is extremely unsafe to abandon or change your ideas? Do you often find it difficult to make sense out of other people’s ideas or suggestions?

2) When facing different ideas or suggestions, do you often feel very uncomfortable, strongly resistant or emotionally disturbed? Do you lose your ability to reason and consider differing ideas objectively?

3) Do you often take other people’s attempts to change your ideas as a personal attack or an act to undermine your worth?

4) Are you often told that you are stubborn by people around you, either in your family or your social circle?

5) Do you feel uncomfortable going through the questions above?

If you answer ‘yes’ to 3 or more of these questions, you may want to work on this pattern.

The pattern of stubbornness, in a sense, could be beneficial to life in the following ways:

In a world where there are countless new and foreign ideas on offer, this pattern seems to lend some steadiness rather than the need to catch up with and adapt to the constant changes. It can provide some stability and a sense of security.

Being stubborn seems to have the effect of fending off or subverting certain unreasonable or aggressive propositions. It seems to be a way of making one’s views or positions heard or respected, especially when one is treated unfairly.

It seems to help protect ‘dignity’ and confidence and let others know not to walk over you or try to manipulate you.

Some people may wonder if there is such a thing as ‘good stubbornness’. There is a Chinese idiom: ‘Make a good choice and stick to it.’ What is a good choice? It’s a choice that is appropriate, suitable and sound. So the focus is the type of choice we make. If we make a good choice and follow it through, then the road ahead will get broader and broader. This is a kind of grit and persistence and is a quality worth cultivating.

Everything is constantly changing and developing. It is up to us to understand the process of change and how to work with change. If we refuse to do that and insist on viewing things in a fixed way, what we see may not be the truth. This will inevitably lead to discordance and conflict on all levels, both with ourselves and with others.

Although stubbornness can seem to provide some security and safety, this security and safety is mostly temporary and superficial. In the long run what it does is actually increase the degree of instability and insecurity.

Stubbornness may help us retain control and in a way ensure fairness, but in the long run no one really wins; it can jeopardize the interests of self and others. Problems can be created. Small problems can become big problems.

Stubbornness can, at times, seem to help protect our ‘dignity’ and self-esteem. In reality, however, stubbornness does not build real confidence and self-esteem and does not win true respect from others. Most likely it will have the opposite effect.

The pattern of stubbornness is an unhealthy habit. When forced to change a habit, we can feel extremely uncomfortable and unhappy, or even frustrated and angry. We can even become aggressive. It is not uncommon to see stubbornness causing all kinds of difficulty in relationships. Friendships are cut short. A marriage can be torn apart. Harmony in the family can be disrupted. Eventually friends can become foes and family members can become strangers. Stubbornness can make apologizing extremely difficult, too, even when we realize it’s the right thing to do. Stubbornness can be seen as ‘poison’ for human relationships.

The difficulty in adjusting and adapting and the disharmony in relationships caused by stubbornness can seriously affect a person’s mental and emotional wellbeing. However, due to stubbornness, he may find it difficult to share his agony and distress with others and accept others’ advice, which can lead to the accumulation of unresolved ill feelings and a twisting of the heart and consciousness.

Let’s share a story about two frogs. Once upon a time, a frog lived in a pond far away from the road. One day he approached the road and saw a frog who lived in a puddle. He suggested to the frog, ‘It is dangerous living by the road with so much traffic going by. Why don’t you move to the pond? It’s much safer there. Plus the water is much deeper and there is plenty of food. The frog living in the puddle rejected the suggestion immediately and said, ‘I have lived here for some time and I am used to it. I don’t think I can adapt to a new place.’ A few days later, they bumped into each other again. The frog from the pond said, ‘How about you come to the pond and have a look before making your decision?’ The frog living in the puddle rejected that suggestion for the same reason and said, ‘I have lived here for quite a while and, look, I am still OK’. A few days later, a heavy horse cart went by and ran over the frog in the puddle. He didn’t survive.

If your stubbornness is directed only towards certain people, for example a family member or a friend, first consider whether there are other underlying issues in this relationship. What is causing you to feel uncomfortable or unhappy with the relationship? Think about what the obstacles are and how to deal with them.

Below are situations we could find ourselves in where we might want to give ourselves more time to think before making a choice.

When you fear that change will bring uncertainty, unfamiliarity, confusion or loss of control, remind yourself change is not a scary thing. Change can make the future better.

When others’ disagreement feels like a personal attack, remind yourself to think again. It is highly likely that it is not.

When you sense that someone is trying to persuade you to change your view or position and you immediately decide that you won’t, remind yourself to open your heart and mind to different possibilities. A decision can be made after you have understood the different views or positions.

Try to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and look at things from there before you decide to stick to your own view or position. This will help you see things from a different perspective and broaden your view. It can help you adjust your view or position so it can become more objective and balanced, even if you eventually decide to hold on to your original view.

When you have the urge to stick to your own view or position as a way to protest, calm yourself down and remind yourself that this approach does not work and it does not help deal with problems. On the contrary, it can only make problems more complicated and worse.

If you think it is necessary, you can observe people who are very open to different ideas and ready to change their own for the better. Watch how they deal with disagreements and how they take on new ideas and use them in a constructive way. Look at how being open and flexible has benefitted their lives. Examples can be very powerful when it comes to helping ourselves make change.

On a different note, when you try to communicate with a stubborn person and the communication is difficult, you should make building trust and gaining mutual understanding the goal of your communication, rather than persuading him to change his mind. First express your appreciation, acknowledgement and acceptance. Start by getting to know his views and thoughts and let him know that you understand them. Make sure you express your differing view or position in a calm and friendly manner. It might also help if you make it very clear that you are sharing a different view or position, rather than trying to dispute his or questioning his ability to form a view or position.

Let the person feel your sincerity and good intention. Sincerity and good intention usually will be well received and can win trust. If your relationship with him improves and becomes more harmonious, it will help both parties with decision- making.

You need to be aware that this usually is not a one-off job. You need to be patient with this process. Bear in mind that if you lose patience and start hurrying or become too pushy, he may raise his guard or become defensive. You need to give him time and space to process the matter.

Here are ten questions that can be used to identify more specifically where you can work.

1. When you are told of your shortcomings, do you choose to ignore what is being said?

2. When you are told that you haven’t done something properly, do you continue to do it the same way?

3. Do you agree or accept someone’s request, knowing very well that you will not do it?

4. Have you often been told by family members or close friends that it is difficult to communicate with you?

5. Do you continue to do something even when your family members are constantly complaining about it?

6. Are you argumentative?

7. When you have made a change, do you reverse it because it has made you feel uncomfortable?

8. Do you hold onto your own ideas because you don’t want to be seen as wrong

9. Do you usually criticize or try to find fault in new things?

10. Do you carry on doing something you really want to do even though everyone opposes it?

Stubbornness is like a wall we build between ourselves and others. It blocks our connection and communication with them. Only when we tear down this wall can we enjoy true happiness, freedom and development of life.